Nicky Boje, South Africa – Player profile

Is Nicky Boje a batsman? Is he a bowler? Well he’s a little of both and a little of neither. He’s a handy batsman, but he bats at number nine, so he doesn’t get much of a chance to show it. He’s a fairly ordinary spin bowler.

Nicky Boje is also still wanted for questioning in India regarding match-fixing allegations. We wouldn’t be the first to question whether it was physically possible for Nicky Boje to underperform.

Back to South Africa squad

Makhaya Ntini, South Africa – Player profile

Makhaya Ntini is an athlete. All that talk of players needing sufficient rest and all that? It falls on deaf ears with Ntini. Here’s a man who bowls as quickly at the end of the day as at the start and then afterwards runs laps of the ground to burn off extra energy.

Makhaya Ntini is a fast bowler. It’s a dying art, but Ntini’s carrying the torch.

Back to South Africa squad

Andre Nel, South Africa – Player profile

Andre Nel thinks that he’s a fast bowler. He isn’t one, but he acts well enough that many batsmen are fooled.

Just imagine how Nel must feel about Shaun Pollock. Here’s Nel pretending to be a fast bowler, but he can’t bowl fast enough and there’s Pollock, who could bowl fast enough, but chose not to. We bet that Nel throws his breakfast into Pollock’s face every single morning. Every morning. Without fail. That’s what we’d do.

Back to South Africa squad

Shaun Pollock, South Africa – Player profile

Shaun Pollock was originally a fast bowler who settled early on for being a medium-pace line and length merchant. This is just unforgivable. His fairly explosive batting makes up for this to a degree, but to be a fast bowler and renounce your calling? Come on. That’s an actual crime. You could literally be arrested for that, yet he’s a hero in South Africa.

Shaun Pollock will be ‘keeping things tight at one end’ during the World Cup. He gave up bowling fast for that…

Back to South Africa squad

Mark Boucher, South Africa – Player profile

There was a time when Mark Boucher was one of the better wicket-keeper batsmen, but quite a few players have overtaken him now. He’s no worse than he was, but the bar’s been raised.

We remember Mark Boucher batting at number 10 when he first appeared. That’s 10 in the batting order, he didn’t make his debut round at the UK Prime Minister’s house. Mark Boucher was never a number 10. South Africa love a long batting line-up.

Back to South Africa squad

Justin Kemp, South Africa – Player profile

Now you’re talking. Justin Kemp plays a particular role for South Africa. Basically, South Africa’s duller batsmen get the side within striking distance of their opponents total and then when one of them’s out with ten overs to go, Justin Kemp comes in and goes ballistic.

South Africa aren’t out of any run chase until Justin Kemp is out. Back in 1999 Lance Klusener was the stand-out player of the World Cup fulfilling just this role. South Africans will be hoping that Kemp can go some way to equalling Klusener’s feats.

Back to South Africa squad

Ashwell Prince, South Africa – Player profile

Ashwell Prince…Ashwell Prince… We’ve already written that Jacques Rudolph is an attritional, dull sort of batsman, but it could just as easily have been Ashwell Prince that we were thinking of. We could probably find out within about ten seconds, but that’s against the spirit of this enterprise.

What kind of a first name is Ashwell anyway?

Back to South Africa squad

Jacques Kallis, South Africa – Player profile

Don’t be fooled by commentators or newspaper articles describing Jacques Kallis as an all-rounder – he’s not. Sure, he used to be, but he isn’t any more and no-one’s noticed.

Jacques Kallis is technically a masterful batsman, but your heart won’t race watching him, unless you’ve somehow trained it to race out of the room to make a cup of tea while you slip into a coma. Jacques Kallis can bowl. He doesn’t like doing it and we don’t like him doing it either.

Knowing our luck, Jacques Kallis will probably win South Africa the World Cup, but if he wins it for them, it will never be worth winning again. It will be sullied.

Back to South Africa squad

Jacques Rudolph, South Africa – Player profile

We’ve got to admit to being on shaky ground with some of these South Africans. In our head Jacques Rudolph is an attritional, dull sort of batsman. As you may have guessed if you’ve read any other profiles, we’re not actually doing any ‘research’ for this, so what’s in our head goes.

Jacques Rudolph is an attritional, dull sort of batsman.

Back to South Africa squad

Herschelle Gibbs, South Africa – Player profile

In a World Cup semi-final, Herschelle Gibbs once caught Steve Waugh and then in trying to launch the ball skyward in the time-honoured fielder’s celebration, he accidentally dropped the ball. Waugh wasn’t out. Waugh is reported to have said: “You just dropped the World Cup, mate,” which is a great quote. It’s fairly clear that he said nothing of the sort. These things are never as good as they’re reported.

Herschelle Gibbs has a magnificent record in all forms of cricket, but is sometimes dropped for mental reasons or something like that. It’s all a bit mysterious. It’s probably something which is well-documented, but we’ve somehow never happened across it.

Back to South Africa squad

A B de Villiers, South Africa – Player profile

Sometime opener, sometime middle-order batsman, occasional wicketkeeper: A B de Villiers fulfils many roles. He’s shown a lot of promise and been fairly solid throughout his young career, but South African selectors seem to like dropping him. Given a decent run in one position, he’ll be fine.

Back to South Africa squad

Graeme Smith, South Africa – Player profile

We actually don’t mind Graeme Smith, but he does seem to be one of the most unpopular players in the world. He took over the captaincy of South Africa at a very young age and isn’t afraid of upsetting people. That seems to be the problem. He’s a very confident young man who doesn’t act his age. He acts older.

As a one-day batsman, Graeme Smith is very handy. He’s a quick-scoring opener. He also sports the most lumbering physique. He’s not overweight, just top-heavy. It’s like someone welded Geoff Capes’ shoulders onto a high-jumper’s frame. We’re not sure how he remains standing up.

Back to South Africa squad