Ian Smith's commentary

"Chris Gayle's timed the pants of that"

Gayle and Tharanga fall within about a minute of each other

We said that Chris Gayle would be great in this World Cup. He's out for virtually nothing. We said that Upul Tharanga would be great in this World Cup. He's also out for virtually nothing.

Why didn't we tip Matthew Bloody Hayden?

Sri Lanka make mincemeat out of Bermuda

A lot of these early mismatches are characterised by the big team playing quite cautiously and deliberately so as to remove even the faintest chance of an upset.

Sri Lanka batted fairly sensibly against Bermuda, eventually reaching 321-6. Then they dispatched the Bermudan batsmen for fun, eventually bowling them out for 78.

Mahela Jayawardene said that Bermuda had bowled well, which was nice of him.

J P Bray

We want Ireland to beat Zimbabwe. That way no-one will suggest that Zimbabwe should come back into Test cricket. Zimbabwe are too poor to play Test cricket and they're not getting any better. They've far more important things to sort out than their cricket team too.

At present Ireland are 113-5. Go, er, J P Bray! Go J P Bray!

J P Bray is 63 not out. Maybe HE should be playing Test cricket. On his own. He'd fare no worse than Zimbabwe, except maybe there'd be a lot of byes.

Canada v Kenya

Kenya walked this one. Steve Tikolo, who's really rather good and may well have made a decent Test player had he been born elsewhere, took 2-34 and then hit 72 not out.

At 35, there's every chance that this will be Steve Tikolo's last World Cup, although playing for one of the lesser lights, he may well continue. We like really good players who play for not-very-good teams. We like the occasions when they surprise arrogant young players from more recognised cricketing nations.

The desperate yearning for Steve Tikolo to take Shaun Tait or someone to the cleaners starts here.

Australia v Scotland

Australia won. Ricky Ponting scored his billionth international hundred. Mike Hussey was stumped for four.

No words come to mind.

Damien Fleming calls Andrew Symonds a fat bastard

At least we think it was Damien Fleming. We can't be bothered checking.

Anyway, some Australian on the BBC's Test Match Special coverage of Australia v Scotland said that Symonds was 'nearly five players in one'. We know that he's large, but five seems to be pushing it a bit.

Why is it Test Match Special anyway. It's not a Test match and being as it's Australia against Scotland, it's hardly 'special'.

West Indies v Pakistan

West Indies won. No-one scored a massive amount. No-one took too many wickets.

Do Pakistan feel like they've ballsed it all up on day one? With the result of this match most likely being carried through to the next round, Pakistan are up against it already. It's a harsh system, but at least it gives these early matches some spice.

Shahid Afridi's not even playing

We tipped Shahid Afridi as a player to watch during the World Cup. About three minutes ago we clung to the hope that he might make some contribution in this West Indies v Pakistan match.

Shahid Afridi isn't even playing...

Bad news for anyone who's put money on Chris Gayle to be top-scorer in this World Cup

Chris Gayle was out for two. We picked Chris Gayle as a player to watch during this World Cup. We're frequently wrong about just about everything.

Still - early days. Shahid Afridi could still make an impact.

World Cup starts... with fireworks!

Look at that. Fireworks. When did fireworks ever herald anything bad?

There are people dancing in funny costumes as well. That's not always a good sign, but mostly it is. Allied to the fireworks we're probably on safe ground. The fireworks assure of us of something good and the dancers, from this 'good' standpoint, reinforce it.

Very few things are unequivocally positive like fireworks are. Even cake appears at funerals. Fireworks though - always good.

Ravinder Bopara, England - Player profile

Ravi Bopara has played a single one-day international. He scored seven not out and took one wicket. It's kind of hard to say much about him.

That's Mal Loye in the background giving him that creepy look, by the way.

Back to England squad

James Anderson, England - Player profile

James Anderson is very ace. James Anderson can seem very quiet and very serious. James Anderson has done very good things at the World Cup before.

We sometimes worry that because of his unusual bowling action, the batsman might strike the ball straight into the back of his head while he's in his follow-through. It's never happened yet.

We once sat at fine-leg at Old Trafford for a county match. James Anderson was fielding there. There was no-one else within a hundred yards. It was very uncomfortable. We felt like we should speak to him, but if we did it would freak him out. Then two girls came to sit right in the front row, directly behind him. They had a whole stand to choose from. That would freak anyone out. A conversation was the least of his worries, it turned out.

Back to England squad

Shaun Tait, Australia - Player profile

Shaun Tait once said that he didn't worry too much about where the ball went when he bowled, as long as he was bowling quickly.

Unfortunately Shaun, that would make you 'crap'. Being able to aim is what separates international bowlers from crap ones.

To be fair, he does bowl quickly, which is something to be commended. He bowls in excess of 90mph now, which means he can get away with being a bit erratic. When he made his international debut in England, he was slower than three of England's bowlers and less accurate than anyone. Quite what he offered as a bowler was open to debate.

Back to Australia squad

Glenn McGrath, Australia - Player profile

How many times have we all seen Glenn McGrath looking grumpy at a batsman? A million?

That's what Glenn does. He used to take wickets with frightening consistency, but he's retiring in about a fortnight and he's got one eye on the clock. It's like when you're leaving a job and you can't see any point putting any effort in.

As the Australian players get increasingly likeable, it's reassuring that Glenn McGrath's never made the slightest concession to amenability.

Back to Australia squad

Mitchell Johnson, Australia - Player profile

Mitchell Johnson's a 'once in a generation bowler'. We should probably honour that by writing something about him, but we're feeling a bit overworked and can't be bothered.

He likes to do star-jumps, apparently.

Back to Australia squad

Brad Hogg, Australia - Player profile

Sorry? Is it 1962? Why does Brad Hogg look like a character from The Wonder Years? It takes excellent brylcreeming skills and an exceptional side-parting to perfect a look like that.

We're only writing about Brad Hogg because he was going to be the only Australian we hadn't done something for.

Back to Australia squad

Brad Hodge, Australia - Player profile

Brad Hodge was dropped from Australia's Test team while averaging nearly 60 and having recently scored a double hundred.

Life's a bitch, but then again, he's only scored three one-day international fifties and here he is in Australia's World Cup squad.

Back to Australia squad

Matthew Hayden, Australia - Player profile

Matthew Hayden gets on our bloody nerves. He thinks he's ace.

Here's the page on our other site where we repeatedly make Matthew Hayden sound like a dick. We're not adding to it here. Not yet anyway.

Back to Australia squad

Brad Haddin, Australia - Player profile

Brad Haddin has made one horrendous mistake in his cricketing career which has cost him dearly: He has consistently been Brad Haddin, rather than Adam Gilchrist.

If he'd been Adam Gilchrist, he'd have played loads of international cricket and everyone would say how ace he is. As Brad Haddin, he's mostly been standing around waiting for Adam Gilchrist to fall over and break a thumb or something.

It's a schoolboy error.

Back to Australia squad

Stuart Clark, Australia - Player profile

Stuart Clark's middle name is Rupert. Stuart Clark has either a weirdly shaped head, or a subtly unusual haircut - we're not sure which.

Stuart Clark is quite old and arrived in Test cricket fully-formed, taking wickets for fun. In one-day cricket he's not so handy.

Back to Australia squad

Ricky Ponting says he doesn't know what his best bowling attack is

We don't even have the right ones included in the Australia squad, so he's a step ahead of us.

Why did we write about Jason Gillespie? We even said at the time that it would be a miracle if he were included in Australia's squad.

We should really start to do some serious reading about 'prioritising'. We'll start now rather than sorting out all the totally inaccurate squads that we've got on this site.

First signs of World Cup fever are in the air

Writer rests fingers on keys, thinks, publishes four sentences about how lazy he is and then shuts his computer down.

World Cup fixture list is freely available

Writer can't be bothered copying it down and publishing it on World Cup site.

World Cup squads are out

Writer looks at his lengthy versions of each of the squads, imagines the work that would go into trimming them down and decides not to do anything.

Several warm-up matches take place

Writer feels weary and neglects to write anything about them.