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England and South Africa five overs into their respective innings

England were 5-0.

South Africa are 44-0.

Michael Vaughan two off 22 balls

You show 'em Michael. You show 'em!

We really like Michael Vaughan. We don't know why we're nitpicking about this.

Michael Vaughan nought off 16 balls

He's building up to something big is Michael Vaughan. We can tell. Maybe nought off 18 balls or something like that. Who knows.

Good job we spent all that time writing all those player profiles only to virtually abandon the site come the World Cup, wasn't it?

Ian Smith's commentary

"Chris Gayle's timed the pants of that"

Gayle and Tharanga fall within about a minute of each other

We said that Chris Gayle would be great in this World Cup. He's out for virtually nothing. We said that Upul Tharanga would be great in this World Cup. He's also out for virtually nothing.

Why didn't we tip Matthew Bloody Hayden?

Sri Lanka make mincemeat out of Bermuda

A lot of these early mismatches are characterised by the big team playing quite cautiously and deliberately so as to remove even the faintest chance of an upset.

Sri Lanka batted fairly sensibly against Bermuda, eventually reaching 321-6. Then they dispatched the Bermudan batsmen for fun, eventually bowling them out for 78.

Mahela Jayawardene said that Bermuda had bowled well, which was nice of him.

J P Bray

We want Ireland to beat Zimbabwe. That way no-one will suggest that Zimbabwe should come back into Test cricket. Zimbabwe are too poor to play Test cricket and they're not getting any better. They've far more important things to sort out than their cricket team too.

At present Ireland are 113-5. Go, er, J P Bray! Go J P Bray!

J P Bray is 63 not out. Maybe HE should be playing Test cricket. On his own. He'd fare no worse than Zimbabwe, except maybe there'd be a lot of byes.

Canada v Kenya

Kenya walked this one. Steve Tikolo, who's really rather good and may well have made a decent Test player had he been born elsewhere, took 2-34 and then hit 72 not out.

At 35, there's every chance that this will be Steve Tikolo's last World Cup, although playing for one of the lesser lights, he may well continue. We like really good players who play for not-very-good teams. We like the occasions when they surprise arrogant young players from more recognised cricketing nations.

The desperate yearning for Steve Tikolo to take Shaun Tait or someone to the cleaners starts here.

Australia v Scotland

Australia won. Ricky Ponting scored his billionth international hundred. Mike Hussey was stumped for four.

No words come to mind.

Damien Fleming calls Andrew Symonds a fat bastard

At least we think it was Damien Fleming. We can't be bothered checking.

Anyway, some Australian on the BBC's Test Match Special coverage of Australia v Scotland said that Symonds was 'nearly five players in one'. We know that he's large, but five seems to be pushing it a bit.

Why is it Test Match Special anyway. It's not a Test match and being as it's Australia against Scotland, it's hardly 'special'.

West Indies v Pakistan

West Indies won. No-one scored a massive amount. No-one took too many wickets.

Do Pakistan feel like they've ballsed it all up on day one? With the result of this match most likely being carried through to the next round, Pakistan are up against it already. It's a harsh system, but at least it gives these early matches some spice.